This just in… Luke Skywalker, of Star Wars fame, was injured in a Y-Wing crash yesterday. R2D2 immediately responded by turning himself into a medical droid and attempting to shock Luke Skywalker back to health. The “shocking procedure” is quite shocking in nature as it entailed R2D2 straddling Luke’s face as Luke lay prone on the bed. As promising as this procedure looked, it failed to revive Luke and so he was transported to the hospital, where a bed was constructed for him out of Kleenex. Luke was left there to recover.
The crash is still under investigation but it appears that it was not caused by Darth Vader’s use of the Force. An anonymous witness to the crash stated that Luke “couldn’t steer because too much wind blew back his hand” and Darth Vader was observed trying to stop the oncoming crash by taking the Y-Wing to the battle station. Because he was unsuccessful, a crash recovery team will be tasked with transporting the Y-Wing back to the battle station for repair.
Darth Vader, in what appears to be a change of heart spent the afternoon at the injured Luke’s side, taking care of him. Princess Leia, Luke’s sister and one of the seven faces of Belle, was surprised at the news of her father’s actions. “But I thought he was a bad guy!” she said.
A different unnamed witness came forth and reported that after the crash a “strange character” had been spotted in the vicinity. The character at first appeared to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast. That information could not be verified because the witness admitted that the strange character’s face could not be seen. However, it has been confirmed that the character was wearing all of Belle’s clothing at once. The character reportedly floated in the air and said “Hello!” to the real Belle who happened to be passing by on her way to the refrigerator to grab a can of Diet Coke. The real Belle commented that “You look very warm in all of those clothes with that coat on” and the figure responded, “There’s nobody here, I’m just a bunch of scary dresses!” The real Belle screamed in terror and ran away.
The distraught Belle was later reached by telephone where an accusing voice cried “Where did you put the Storm Trooper’s bodies? They were in your bed!” Not wanting to be caught in any kind of infidelity, Belle at first tried the Iran Contra defense where she stated that she couldn’t “recall” a situation where Storm Troopers had shared her bed. Later though, when it was, in fact, revealed that the Storm Troopers had been found under Belle’s nightgown, she resorted to using the Shaggy defense and claimed “It wasn’t me!”
Further confusing the investigation is a somewhat recovered Luke Skywalker who is now claiming that he was not the one flying the Y-Wing at the time of its crash. He has denied his involvement and claimed “The ‘LEGO guy’ was flying the ship.” Additionally, he claims that he is “Luke from a different movie.”
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming where I admit that I was playing with the LEGOs I spoke of here. But only for a little while. It turns out that when a company prints on the box that a toy is for children ages 8 and up, you really ought to heed their warning. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself having to assemble the toy yourself because your five year old is unable to do so.
Then shortly afterward, your son will drop the Y-Wing you so lovingly spent four hours assembling for him, and one million of the 17 trillion pieces will shear off upon impact and scatter all over your kitchen. Some will land in the dog’s water bowl, some will slip under the refrigerator, and some more will slide under the door to the basement and fall down the steps where you won’t find them again until you step on them with your bare foot. This will leave a LEGO impression on your foot that stays for a full 36 hours.
At that point you will be forced to consider whether or not you repaired the Y-Wing adequately after its initial crash. Perhaps if you had actually moved the refrigerator to get at the “unrecoverable” pieces, the craft might have been more stable. Perhaps a more stable aircraft would have spared Luke Skywalker from such severe injuries.
You can choose to debate this. You can write both NASA and the NTSB to get their ruling on the incident. Or, you could resort to your original premise that the “witness” to the crash is simply crazy. Especially since he is claiming HE is the REAL Luke Skywalker, and it was “the LEGO guy” that crashed the plane. Also, because he is five, and makes “scary dresses” talk.
5 responses to “Breaking News”
I hate it when my kid breaks my… er… her things when I worked so hard to build them…
You are brilliant! I love the blow-by-blow.
I hate stepping on LEGOS. I actually have a scar on the ball of my foot from one of those things. And speaking as a former journalist (very former) your reporting was excellent. I smell a Pulitzer in your future. But I think you’ll have to do a follow up once the REAL Luke Skywalker takes “the LEGO GUY” to court for identity theft. Should be the trial of the century, in my opinion.
Jen, my husband says his mother one day threw away ALL of his LEGOs when he was a kid. His brother and sister left 2 pieces on the floor and she stepped on them. It was the last straw…
tee hee…..I needed this very much. Thanks for the giggles. 🙂