Let’s go back in time a bit, shall we? Let’s go back to this time LAST YEAR, when I was the room mother for Snags’ kindergarten class, busy planning the Fall Party. It’s the “FALL PARTY” because we cannot, in this era of political correctness, call it was it is, which is a Halloween Party. No matter that parents send in decorations of bats and witches and mummies. Those things, as everyone knows, are signs of AUTUMN, just as surely as the leaves changing color and the air turning crisp. In fact, if you play your cards right (no, it’s not politically correct to admit to gambling), you just might find bats and witches and mummies hiding under that colorful pile of leaves you just finished raking.
But I digress. The FALL PARTY. I was the room mother. My duties as room mother were to coordinate with the teacher and enlist parents to help donate supplies, food, crafts, and their time at the party. I had a particular interest in this because Snags has food allergies, and without some role in the party planning, especially the food, the classroom could quickly turn from a party atmosphere to a danger zone.
And I gather, from talking to other room moms, that I was lucky. Snags’ kindergarten teacher had a thing for SIMPLE. One snack. One game. One craft. Perhaps two crafts if time allowed. The party ran for approximately 2 hours, and all 18 children had to get a turn at the snack, the game, the craft. Or two.
And things went well. I survived the fall party, the holiday party (it’s really a Christmas Party, but please don’t tell anyone), the Spring Party, and the End of Year Party. Things were simple, things were fun.
When first grade rolled around, I volunteered once again to be room mom. I was told at first, by Snags’ first grade teacher, that another mother had “expressed interest” in being room mom. When I explained that I’d like to be involved somehow, because of Snags’ allergies, I was told I would be THE ROOM MOM. But that somehow morphed into being CO-ROOM MOM. And I was okay with that. Until… My co-room mom called me, in SEPTEMBER, about planning the fall party. The fall party is the day before Halloween. So we had plenty of time, no? And co-room mom went on about how she and ANOTHER CO-ROOM MOM (How did we get three room moms?), had been planning the craft activities and wanted to talk to me about the food situation. And it was SEPTEMBER and OMG! I can’t even decide what the hell to cook for dinner TONIGHT, let alone plan the snack for a party that is over 30 days away.
Eventually I agreed to meet, in person, with my co-room mom and HER co-room mom (whom I shall now call Thing One and Thing Two). Thing Two seemed somewhat new at room mom duties and genuinely concerned about having the party be safe for my son, as well as the two other children in the class who also have food allergies. Did I mention that food allergies are on the rise? Note that three children out of 22 in ONE CLASS have them? Thing One, however… Thing One. Thing One was IN CHARGE. She has taken it upon herself to be THE ROOM MOM. Somehow, somewhere, and I don’t know how and don’t know where, CO-ROOM MOMS got dropped, and Thing One TOOK OVER ALL PARTY PLANNING AND PREPARATIONS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
The Fall Party THIS YEAR? Starts at 2:30, Ends at 3:20. Those times are PER THE TEACHER. So we have, if I remember first grade math, 50 minutes. To accomplish the following activities planned by Thing One, THE ROOM MOM, with 22 children:
• Frost and decorate pumpkin shaped sugar cookies.
• Eat frosted and decorated pumpkin shaped sugar cookies.
• Eat grapes.
• Eat potato chips.
• Eat Fritos.
• Drink juice.
• Play Bingo.
• Play Bingo.
• Play Bingo.
• Hand out Bingo prizes.
• Hand out Bingo prizes.
• Hand out Bingo prizes.
• Read a Halloween Story.
• Decorate Halloween Bags. And no, I don’t know why we are allowed to read a Halloween story or call them Halloween Bags, but Thing One and Thing Two thought the children could use the bags to collect their Trick-or-Treat candy the next day.
• Count and weigh pumpkin seeds and compare the weights for dry roasted pumpkin seeds verses wet pumpkin seeds.
Now, if ALL THAT wasn’t enough to keep 22 kids busy for 50 minutes, Thing One met THING THREE who had an idea: Stuff popcorn into gloves and paint finger nails on the gloves to make “monster hands.”
But wait, it gets better. Thing Three wants to bring in an air popper to the class room and let each kid pop their OWN popcorn. In the class room. At the party. And then the kids will take that freshly popped and burning hot popcorn and stuff a plastic glove with it. Then they will dip the ends of the fingers of the gloves (which, if I may point out, will probably be MELTING from the hot popcorn) into paint to make finger nails. VOILA! MONSTER HANDS. (and no, I’m not sure if the monster hands are meant to be the melting gloves stuffed with hot popcorn or the children’s hands that now require a thick slathering of burn cream).
And OMG people! FIFTY MINUTES. TWENTY-TWO children. I hope these kids are fast. Because I just pulled out a calculator and 50 divided by 22 is 2:27 minutes. Less than 2 ½ minutes PER child, to accomplish all of the above. Granted, they aren’t doing things one at a time. They won’t be standing in a long line waiting for the classmate in front of them to just move along already, you’re eating into MY 2:27 minutes of party time, but still. Fifty minutes. Twenty-two children.
And so I’m thinking, hey, what the hell? Why don’t we go ahead and have the children plant the corn, grow it, harvest it, shuck it, dry it, break it off the cob into kernels, THEN pop it and stuff the hot popcorn into the plastic gloves. We’ll have time for that, right? We’ve got a full 50 minutes, after all.
Running With Books 