In an email I sent to my Uncle listing possible things he could get my son for Christmas (hey, he ASKED, I don’t just make up lists and send them out to people), I told him: “Anything NOT Star Wars or LEGOs would be good. We are drowning in LEGOs and Santa’s bringing more and if I have to hear Snags go on and on about Star Wars and Obi Wan Kenobi anymore I swear I will poke my ears out with the first thing I can get my hands on – probably a LEGO.”
But that’s a lie. A total bold faced lie. Because actually, at the time I wrote that email, I had already dug my ear drums out with the tines of a fork. The whole ordeal was a bit messier than I had anticipated and so I tried to staunch the flow of blood with the first thing I could get my hands on – and that WAS a bunch of LEGOs. Only LEGOs aren’t cotton, so they aren’t very absorbent in that impervious hard plastic surface sort of way, and so I was forced to sit there and build tiny LEGO dams while the blood poured from my empty ear sockets all over my keyboard. I shoved the little plastic LEGO dams into the holes that once held ear drums, and here I type with sticky fingers telling all the world the truth. That I am a liar and I am sick to death of hearing about Star Wars. Honestly, I only lied in the first place because I didn’t want to alarm my Uncle over all the blood.
But like I said, Santa IS bringing more Star Wars LEGOs to our house this Christmas, so I fear I can’t escape the coming waves of Star Ships engaged in the battles of my obsessed child’s devising. I have seriously considered calling Santa and telling him “NO! Return those LEGOs to your toy storage locker that is Toys R Us, don’t bring them here!”, but then they were the first thing Snags asked for in his letter to Santa, and they were the first things he marked as “Top Choice” on his list, like a butcher grading cuts of meat. So I can’t bring myself to do it. Plus
Santa I can’t find the receipt.
So Christmas is coming and thankfully I’ve already completed some of my shopping. I got my parents… oh wait, they might read this so I can’t say. But I got my husband… nope, better not tell you that either. Okay, so instead I’ll tell you about my brother’s Christmas wish-list. He didn’t prioritize it so I don’t know if this was his “Top Choice” or not, but one of the items on his list was the Magic Wallet. Have you heard of it? It’s been around for years. I think my brother even had one once upon a time. It must have worn out. He wants a new one. But he wants the Original Magic Wallet, not the new Magic Wallet Plus. Basically the concept is you open it up, drop in a dollar bill or a receipt or something, close it up, and it “magically” moves the paper to it’s proper place. Well, more or less. It’s not really magic at all, having elastic bands that hook it all together not unlike a Jacob’s Ladder toy. Something which, by the way, I always wanted when I was a kid. Something I still haven’t figured out to this day. But anyway, the Magic Wallet… I can just picture my brother now, using the wallet as a prop for his pick-up line at a bar, saying something like “Hello beautiful! See if you can find what I have hidden in my Magic Wallet!” Word to my brother: If I DO get you the Magic Wallet for Christmas, DON’T use that line. It’s awful. It’s sure to get a drink thrown in your face and very possibly a kick to your nuts. So you know, you’ve been warned.
But Christmas! It’s almost here. Only 26 or so days left and there is still so much to do! I’ve got gifts to wrap, bows to tie, cards to sign and mail, and decorations to dig out of the basement. The tree has been up for a week now but I’ve got to rearrange the ornaments. Snags hung them all at a six year old level, so the bottom third of the tree looks like it’s wearing a skirt of baubles, the rest looks quite naked. Rearranging is definitely in order.
I have menus to plan and more presents to shop for. I have to buy more Scotch Tape so I can wrap the things I’ve bought. Snags has used all that I had in a fit of creativity. He’s building some sort of display, something that combines Star Wars figurines and space crafts, LEGOs, scraps of wood from the garage, and I think, some of the figures from our Nativity Scene, all Scotch Taped together on my coffee table. Warning to those coming for Christmas: there may not be any place to set your drinks down.
Which reminds me, I have to go to the liquor store. Drinks! I am going to need them. I hear they help numb the pain. And my ears, shoved full of LEGOs as they are, they are starting to throb.
8 responses to “Goodbye, November! I Gotta Get a Move On…”
good luck with all that. Too bad you can’t drink the legos.
Cami, I bet I could if I melted them. Will you come visit me when I’m in the hospital? I assume that will be the psych ward after they find the LEGO dams in my ears and the solidified mass of hardened formerly melted LEGOs in my abdomen. But it’d be nice to know I might get visitors.
It’s good that you have such a wonderful sense of humor. I am sure a good time will be had by all at your house this Christmas. Once you get the Legos out of your ears, that is.
Aha! You’ve given me a brilliant idea… All this time I’ve been trying to stop the incessant WHINING when, all along, I should’ve just been PLUGGING UP MY OWN EARS. No LEGOs around here though…the only thing we seem to have in excess around here is dirty laundry…
oh the sea of legos…….I am hoping my girl never falls in love with legos…they darn tiny little toys. eeekkkk
Ok that whole bloody ear lego thing? totally hilarious.
Could I add one thing to your Christmas list? I promise, no legos are involved…unless you want people to give lego to the least fortunate.
I remember your Disney World entry to my family vacation group writing project last summer and I thought you’d want to know about this one. Just blog about your favorite charity and let me know about it. Details here:
Hee hee. Those damn ear dams. Ouch. Hee hee. And I would come visit you in the psyhc’ ward honey, in fact, I’d probably be in the next room.