Well Elf, this is it. Your last night here. You are done. Finis! If all goes as planned, sometime around midnight Santa will arrive in his magical sleigh, with his eight tiny reindeer, and after he eats a few cookies and leaves some presents under the tree, he’ll grab you by your little elf hat and haul you back to the North Pole. I assume you’ll spend the next year toiling in his workshop, making toys. Have fun.
I’m sorry to say that I don’t think I’ll miss you. Your idea of fun and mischief, well, it was quite a bit of work for me. Like the night you dumped baskets of clean laundry all over the sofa. Who do you think had to clean that up? Me! I tell you, it was ME. Snags and I had an agreement: if you stayed, he would clean up any messes you made. Only, he’s six and not so good at folding laundry. His idea of “folding” is shoving everything into a pile at one end of the sofa and calling it a day. So thanks a lot. Not.
And then there were the Christmas bows you dumped all over the floor. There must have been 100 of them. It was very colorful and all, but still. Who do you think had to clean them up? That’s right. Me. Again.
And then there were the LEGOs, and the dog’s toys, and the candles… Tell me, what’s the deal with DUMPING things?
You want to play some good mischief on me? Clean my bathrooms, do the dishes, dust the furniture, mop my floors. That would get me something good! I’d totally be surprised by that!
Snags really enjoyed the gifts you left him. He liked the Star Wars ornaments and the Star Wars mugs. Surprisingly, he even liked the wooden snake. And generally, he doesn’t like snakes at all. I was certain, when I saw the snake, that Snags was going to lock you in the dog’s kennel again. Like he did the morning he woke to find you had turned his carton of soy milk green. That totally pissed him off. He was ready to kick your tiny little elf ass back to the North Pole right then and there, but I talked him into giving you one more chance. And how did you thank me? By dumping more stuff on the floor for me to clean up!
So anyway, you’re off. This is your last night here. I am not setting out any crackers and water for you tonight. As if I need Santa running around my house trying to catch you before he can take off again. So the cookies and the milk on the table are for Santa. The apple and the carrots are for Rudolf and his friends. You elf, will have to wait until you get back to the North Pole for something to eat. But don’t worry, that won’t take long. Santa gets all around the world in just one night. By this time tomorrow you’ll be home, making toys instead of mischief. Have a safe flight home. See you next year. Maybe…