Okay, Listen Up!

I’m participating in a group writing project over at MamaBlogga in the hope that my post will be the one randomly chosen to win a $30 gift certificate to Amazon.  There’s a new CD by Augie March that I want to buy and I haven’t found it anywhere locally, but I saw it on Amazon.  Hope, as they say, springs eternal.

The theme of the writing project is “Three things I want my kids to…” and then the writer (that’s me!) fills in the rest.

Here is my entry:

Three Things I Want My Kids to Understand NOW, RIGHT NOW!  NO, Actually, Make that YESTERDAY!!!

And by kids, I mean Snags, the child of mine who’s just lost his first tooth, and Pee Pee, the dog who WON’T STOP PEEING ON THE FLOOR.  Snags is 5 and just learning to read; Pee Pee is 12, but she’s a dog, and hasn’t shown that much intelligence.  So that means somebody is going to have to read this to them.  Preferably a policeman, or some other figure of authority, because it’s pretty much been proven that when I talk, something shorts out in their ear to brain wiring, and I get nothing but a blank stare in return.

So here they are, the three things I want my kids to understand, and to eliminate all confusion, I will clearly indicate to which child each item addresses:

To Snags:  Your teachers are not smarter than I am.  I know you think they are because they teach you things all day long like your ABCs and 123s and witty songs and words woefully mispronounced in Spanish.  But most of them are young, barely out of high school, with just enough child care classes in their back pocket to get them through the door of your preschool.  They are all nice young women and I’ve no doubt that if and when they finish college, many of them will be smarter than me.  But I am here to tell you that contrary to what Ms. Becky says, YOU DO NOT PUT SUNBLOCK IN YOUR HAIR.  Your hair will not get sunburned.  So please.  STOP. GLOPPING. IT. ON. YOUR. HEAD.

To Snags: Remember when we read the Berenstain Bears book The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies?  I bought that book to try and subtly teach you a lesson.  Since subtly seems to have flown right over your head, I am simply going to give it to you straight: You cannot get something: a toy, a book, a candy, and most especially, not a fountain, every time we are out.  When I say “I don’t have enough money to buy you a fountain” on any given day, I mean it.  The ones you like the best cost upwards of $100 and I don’t have that money lying around.  And no, I can’t “just use PayPal!”  In order to use PayPal, I have to have the MONEY in PayPal in the first place.  Which I don’t.  So please, STOP. ASKING. 

To Snags and to Pee Pee:  You are both old enough to handle going to the bathroom yourselves, and in the appropriate place.  Snags, that means you must learn to wipe your own hiney.  You’re 5!  I’m pretty sure your Kindergarten teachers this fall won’t consider hiney wiping to be one of their duties.  And yes, I agree poop is gross, and it’s even grosser when you get some on your thumb, but you don’t have to cry about it.  That’s why we have toilet paper.  First, use some.  Not the entire roll; that will clog the toilet again.   Then if you still get poop on your thumb, use some more and wipe it off.  Then wash your hands.  And then wash them again.  And maybe, especially for the times you get poop on your thumb, wash them a third time.  And Pee Pee, please, hold your bladder until it’s time to go outside.  I KNOW you are doing this for spite.  Any dog that can sleep from 9 p.m. until 6 a.m. without having to urinate in the middle of the night can surely hold it for an equal amount of time during the day.  You may not have noticed that the grass from the back yard does not extend into my kitchen, but if you’d look at the floor, you’d see that while the grass out back is brown and crispy and dying, it’s still brown.  My kitchen floor is gray and blue.  And then sometimes, yellow.  It’s the yellow that I don’t like.  Keep it to yourself.  Save it for the brown grass. STOP. PEEING. ON. MY. FLOOR.

That is all. You can go play now.



Filed under Augie March, group writing project, humor, MamaBlogga, Pee Pee, preschool, Snags, sunblock, three things

31 responses to “Okay, Listen Up!

  1. Thanks so much for this! I want to say that it’s hilarious–mostly because if and when I’m in your shoes (in a few short years!) I know I’ll feel the same way (especially with #1–just reading that got me all flustered for you!).

    Thanks for participating!

  2. I have to tell you the whole thing was great but the last potty stuff had me in stitches the whole time… loved it I’ve been there. I just got my five year old wiping her own backside about 6 months ago…

    and yes, I would love to be on your blogroll, I’d be happy to put you on mine as well, I’m sure I’ll be by again you’re a riot.

  3. That was absolutely hysterical. Excellent job.

    PS A small allowance finally put the brakes on my 6 year old’s gimmies. What a pleasure to say “sure, you can have it, just spend your own money on it.” (And most of the time he then decides that it’s not worth it after all ;-).)

  4. this right here…FUNNY! Loved it!

  5. OH MY GOODNESS! HYSTERICAL!! I love how you wrote this! Perfect!

  6. bellevelma

    A big thank you to everyone whom responded! I would have liked to reply to each of you individually, but apparently, I failed to read the FAQs when I set up the comment forms and don’t know how. It’s next on my to do list!

  7. I want mine to wipe themselves too. It isn’t that they can’t…at least the older one. It’s that he doesn’t want to give up the luxurious service aspect.

  8. bellevelma

    Oh Kate you just gave me the most fantastic idea! Maybe I’ll set up a tip jar in the bathroom. If I have to do the wiping, then he’s handing over a quarter at least.

  9. GREAT list! You are too funny!

  10. bellevelma

    Hi Lori, Thanks for reading and commenting!

  11. That was great! Loved it!

  12. bellevelma

    Thanks, Mitra!

  13. Don’t you wish you could just talk to them like this, and they would actually get it?! Thanks for sharing. -e.

  14. I love your take on the preschool/day care teachers! I worked in preschool and child care for five years while I finished college, and I laughed out loud at the sunscreen comment.
    Good luck with the dog. And the floor. And the potty in general. 🙂

  15. Congrats on winning the contest!!

  16. Congratulations on a well-deserved win. I’ll be back to read more of your writing.

  17. Thanks, Robin! I’d love to have you back any time!

  18. Congrats! You certainly do deserve it. You’re post is hilarious! I have a child who needs her bum wiped all of the time…ugg. Thank you.

  19. Congrats on winning the writing prize!! Loved your article and I only wish they could understand this stuff :). Enjoy getting that CD @ Amazon!!


  20. jen

    Congrats on the win. I hope you enjoy your Augie March CD. I saw them at Womadelaide this year and they were great.

    I also hope Snags learns to wipe his own butt.

  21. Thank you, Mary. I’m very excited about the CD.

  22. Thanks, Jen! I was pregnant with Snags the last time I saw a band peform in concert. I’m really looking forward to the CD.

  23. Congrats on the prize.

    I hadn’t had chance to read your entry before now and it is so funny.

    I can relate to 1 and 2 big time with my 6/nearly 7 year old.

    And number 3 is hilarious (I’m laughing with you not at you). I have a 2 year old who is just potty trained. The other day she proudly announced she’d done a wee on the potty but forgot to mention the poo in the Noddy bucket.

    Atleast it wasn’t on the floor I suppose…

  24. Thanks, Jo! I’ve been lucky with Snags as far as the floor goes, but then the dog has certainly made up for that. A thousand times over.

  25. Oh my goodness! I almost choked on my coffee laughing at this! My (almost) six year old still screams “I’m dooonne!!” Even though she wipes her own tail at school…. UGH!
    This is great!

  26. Pingback: Happy Blogiversary To Me (or How My Cousin Saved My Nose Piercing) « Running With Books

  27. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

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