Advice Columnist

While I have a set of fairly regular readers here at Running With Books, many of the daily visits I get are from people who have done a search on Google and are looking for information or answers to their questions.  I figure the least I can do is try to address the issues that brought them here in the first place.

Somebody recently arrived at my blog after this search: “i wake up in the morning and my room smells”

To them I say:  Next time, don’t eat all those beans before you go to sleep.  If you can’t manage that, then buy yourself an air freshener and plug it in, plug it in.  And one more thing?  Always capitalize the pronoun “I”.

To the socially inept person who searched on “what to say to women on their birthday” the answer is simple.  Say “Happy Birthday!” and leave it at that.  Do not, I repeat, do not ask a woman her age.  Or her weight. 

Someone else performed this search: “r not coming to party excuse”.  You know what?  You don’t need an excuse.  Just tell the person throwing the party that you won’t be there.  You do not have to tell them why. “I’m sorry I won’t be able to come to your party” is a complete sentence in and of itself.  Don’t make up some story you won’t be able to remember later.  And I know you won’t be able to remember it later because you were not able to remember how to spell properly.  The word is “are” not “r”.

“Why do children’s baby teeth fall out?”  Seriously?  Were you born an adult?  Did your own baby teeth not fall out?  If you still have all of your baby teeth and are over the age of 18 then I bet you look kind of funny with all those teeny little teeth in your mouth.  The baby teeth fall out to make room for your adult teeth.  If you don’t brush your adult teeth, they will fall out too.

“Should i celebrate my husband’s birthday?”  Generally, yes. Unless he’s dead.  That would be kind of creepy.  Especially if his ghost comes back to blow out the candles.  If that happens, you should run like hell.

“jen and kate plus eight”  The TV show I know about and sometimes watch is called Jon and Kate Plus Eight.  I imagine, that if there is a “jen and kate plus eight”, it’s the type of movie you might get from the curtained off back room of your local video store after you show them your I.D. for proof of age.  I haven’t seen jen and kate plus eight, so I can’t comment further.

“johnny depp grows his hair fast”  Does he?  I’d never noticed.

“why is my fish lifeless and bent in half?”  Because it’s dead.  Flush it.

“moths scare me”  Do they?  How is an internet search helping you with that?

“where do toilet flushed fish go?” Through the plumbing to the sewer treatment plant.

“were do elf’s stay?”  Sorry to break it to you but there is no such thing as a real elf.  And the plural of elf is elves.  They don’t exist either.  Dwarfs, yes, elves, no.

“how to get your six year old to listen?”  Now that’s the six-million dollar question isn’t it?  Try yelling and screaming and repeating yourself over and over.  That’s what it takes here.

Any other questions?  Throw them my way and I’ll try to answer them for you.

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3 Comments

Filed under advice, blog searches, humor

3 responses to “Advice Columnist

  1. you certainly attract the bad spellers, and gramatically challenged, huh?

    fun post. I always enjoy these.
    have a great week!

  2. Oh, I’m laughing so hard here…you’ve made my day!

  3. I always love these posts. People are mad aren’t they hee hee.

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