Three Mysteries of Fame

We are Roman Catholic.  There was a long period of time in my life where I went to church every Sunday, most notably, when I was a child and had no control over my Sunday mornings.  In my college years I didn’t attend church very regularly, but started going again when I met my husband and continued to do so for several years after we were married.

After Snags was born, our attendance at church lessened, and by the time he was a toddler, we all but stopped going and turned into C&E Catholics, those folks who only cross the threshold of the building on Christmas and Easter.  The main reason for this wasn’t a lack of faith, but rather a lack of ability to keep a young boy from misbehaving out of boredom for one single hour on Sunday mornings.  Snacks and books and toys failed to help much in that environment, and I was tired of “attending” mass out in the foyer, chasing Snags around and trying to keep him quiet while counting the minutes until we could leave, because really, this wasn’t what church was supposed to be about.

Now that Snags is older and better behaved, we started going to church again.  He is interested in attending CCD (Sunday School for those who aren’t Catholic), and making his First Holy Communion.  I’ve told him those things are only possible if he behaves like a Saint during Mass.  He wants to sit right up front, in the very first pew, so he can see everything that goes on at the alter, but I tell him he has to be really, really, really good in order to sit there, and I am reserving that, like a prize, for the day he can sit quietly through an entire mass and stand and sit at the appropriate times along with the congregation.  We can not sit up front if he refuses to stand when everyone else stands.  We cannot sit up front if he continues to play with the kneeler, opening it so it crashes down on top of my foot like he did a few weeks ago.  The sudden eye watering pain of that made me nearly curse out loud, and cursing in the very front pew of a Roman Catholic Church is certain to get us excommunicated or struck by lightning.

We didn’t make it to church this Sunday, and that’s, if not a sin, at least a shame.  Because over the past few weeks, Snags has been singing the hymns he hears at church as he does things around the house.  You can hear him singing church songs while he builds with his LEGOs or as he’s playing with the hose in the backyard, or most recently, while taking his bath.

The only problem is, he doesn’t always get the words to the songs right.  Last week my husband found Snags singing the memorial acclamation, the words of which go: “Let us proclaim the mystery of faith…”  Only, Snags was singing, “Let us proclaim three mysteries of fame…”

The three mysteries of fame that I cannot grasp are as follows: 

1. How did Keanu Reeves become a star?  He is the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and his monotone proclamation of “Sir, I love your daughter…” in the movie A Walk in the Clouds, is certainly proof of this.

2. How did the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon become a hit? Why did it win an Academy Award?  It was terrible.  People flying through the air, fighting with swords.  That’s totally impossible, not realistic at all.

and

3. Why does Madonna, who was born and raised in Michigan, affect a fake British accent when she feels like it?  And why don’t the talk show hosts call her on it?

Bringing up the name Madonna reminds me of the real Madonna, Mary, the Mother of God.  And how, when I was a child, and for many years into my teens, I thought the beginning words to the Hail Mary were as follows: “Hell Mary, full of grace…” For the life of me I couldn’t understand why there would be curse words in a prayer.  It didn’t make any sense to me, and I knew deep down, it was just wrong.

My misunderstanding of the beginning of the Hail Mary is perhaps proof that Snags comes by his misunderstanding of the memorial acclamation naturally. You can have faith that he inherited his inability to hear the words correctly from me.  Or maybe he simply misheard the song because I was muttering curse words after he dropped the kneeler on my foot. 

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4 Comments

Filed under church, fame, humor, life, Snags

4 responses to “Three Mysteries of Fame

  1. This is all so familiar to me as I was also brought up Roman Catholic. Miss E made her communion last year, but, we don’t go to mass very often. She has mass in school every week, and I do have a faith, but I don’t go to mass. Bad Jo. Miss M has started learning prayers at nursery, and she prays to the Homely Ferret instead of the Holy Spirit when she makes the sign of the cross. It makes me howl.

    When we were little we used to say, ‘Thanks Peter God’ instead of thanks be to God. We used to wonder why Peter was so special. Miss M thinks when you die you go to Helen, her friend things you go to Kevin, and my friend thought Jesus Christ was Cheeses Slice. Oh the fun of catholicism. 😀

  2. Papa Lolo

    This brought back a lot of funny ” going to church on Sundays” memories. I remember one Sunday when they use to ring the bells ( not sure if they still do..I have not heard the bells ring lately) Well, anyway one Sunday during this portion of the mass, one of my sons turned to his mother and said “Mom- Holy God’s phone is ringing”. This caused a lot of silent laughter from those near enough to hear. It still makes me laugh and makes me appreciate what goes on in a child’s mind – one of God’s great wonders.

  3. I know I almost never comment here, but I read your every post, and I HAD to comment on this one because, “seriously, HOW did Keanu Reeves become a star?” has been a burning question in my mind forever. He is a truly terrible actor. I’ve seen five year olds who were better in their kindergarten plays dressed as oranges than he was in pretty much any movie ever. Though I have to add: Kevin Costner runs a pretty tight race for Absolute Worst. Thanks for the laugh-out-loud.

  4. 1. Sure, he is a crappy actor, but to a lot of women, he is attractive. That counts for more… especially when an actor is very young.

    2. Since when do movies need to be realistic? Crouching Tiger et al… was a hit because it was full of fantasy violence that was particularly well-filmed.

    3. Madonna and the fake accent? Don’t get me started!!!

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