I admit it. I’m not the best speller in the world. I sometimes resort to dictionaries, and I rely a lot on the automatic spelling corrector in my word processing software. But I use those tools to get things right. I proofread before I hit publish. I double check the spelling before I send out an email. I’m not perfect, but I try.
There are some things that just really need to be spelled correctly. Because when they’re not, things can get kind of dicey. Plus, it just pisses me off.
Like Krab Dip. Hello! Dip makers?! Crab is spelled with a C, not a K. I’ve read your ingredient label. I know that you use a K to spell Krab, because there is no.such.food as a Krab. Except maybe in that cartoon with the sponge. And so your Krab dip doesn’t have one bit of Crab in it. It’s fake seafood, and some mayonnaise, and it’s gross, and I’m not buying it.
There’s the receptionist I spoke to once when I needed to clarify the spelling of a very important person’s name before I sent something off to that person. “Hello,” I said. This is Belle from such and such a place and I am sending a package to Mr. Mark Whatshisname and I need to verify that I’ve got his name spelled correctly. Is his name Mark with a C or with a K? Bright bulb the receptionist was. She replied, “It’s Mark with an M.” “Uh huh, I got that part,” I said as I punched a staple through my eye in irritation. “But is Mr. Whatshisname’s first name spelled M-A-R-C or is it M-A-R-K?”
Right now, it’s the email spammers that are driving me nuts. It’s bad enough that they spam me in the first place, but they can’t even spam me with correct spelling. Everyday I get new emails in the spam folder of my inbox with subject lines like:
Have Morre Orgisms
Enjoy Beest Sex Evver
Show Hiiim What Seex You Eenjoy
Dear Spammers, I DELETE your emails without opening them. And do you know why? Because while I get the general gist of what you are trying to sell me with the subject line of your emails, they’re all spelled incorrectly. The proper spelling of words may be found in a dictionary. I suspect you are using a dickshunhairy, and it’s just not helping your cause. Please remove me from your email list.
The other day my son was counting the spare change we toss in an old wine jug. He wanted to know if he could have the money and I agreed that if he counted it up he could keep it. He made a chart for himself on a piece of paper, labeled across the top with the type of coin and with space underneath each word for him to write how many of that particular coin he had. He’s seven years old, and hasn’t completely conquered spelling. His chart looked something like this:
Quarters | Dimes | Nickels | Penis
We had a total of $6.92 in spare change. $0.32 of that was in penises. If nothing else pans out for his future, at least I know he can get a job with the spammers.