children | Running With Books

Last night, I sat near my seven year old son as he drifted off to sleep. The lights were off, the room was quite, and I was about to leave when he rolled over and suddenly said, “Tell me a telling story, tell me about something funny I did when I was a baby.”

“Okay,” I said. “But only a short story. It’s already past your bedtime. Let me think for a moment.”

But before I could begin to think of which baby story to tell, he interrupted my thoughts with, “How do babies get born anyway? How do they come out? Like how did I get out of YOU?”

My mind reeled. I was frantically searching for answers. For lies. For anything I could use on this curious child to change to the subject and get him to go to sleep. I’d already used “Shhhh! Be quiet and watch the movie!” when he’d asked that question during one of the opening scenes of Narnia: Prince Caspain the previous weekend. Having already been used, that option was out. Besides, we weren’t watching a movie at this particular time.

“Uh, uh, um…” was spiraling through my head. Not very helpful, I might add.

“Look! Monsters!” I could have screamed. Even, “Shhh… I hear something. Did you hear that howling?” I thought to ask. “It sounded like a werewolf, don’t you think?”

I contemplated any number of his fears, something to steer his mind in another direction entirely: fires, burglars, tornados, earthquakes… but he’d gotten SPECIFIC. “How did I get out of YOU?” He’d asked. And then also, I kind of wanted to get some sleep myself. Scaring the shit out of him right before bedtime wasn’t really in my best interest.

In my desperation I considered this reply: “You know, I don’t really remember, that was SEVEN years ago. Now go to sleep.” But even I knew that was lame. In fact, at the exact moment I thought of it, I could hear in my mind his likely response, “Mom! You remember. Tell me!”

And so I went with the only thing I could think of and tried to tell the truth as much as I could to my seven year old son. And as I did so, I related things to a prayer, to squeezing muscles and to water balloons, and my son laughed wide eyed and wondered about poop.

“Well,” I said. “You know, babies don’t really grow inside a mommy’s tummy. At least not in the same place the food goes when the mom eats. The mom has something inside her called a uterus. It’s also called a womb… like in the Hail Mary prayer, the part where you say “…of thy womb, Jesus” The womb is the uterus where the baby grows and it’s small and empty inside the mom’s body at first but as the baby grows inside the uterus, it stretches.”

“Like a water balloon,” I added. “It’s small when it’s empty but when you add water it stretches out.”

“Okay,” my son said. “But how does the baby get OUT?” “Well…” I said, stalling to gather my thoughts. “When the baby has been growing in the mommy for 9 months and is ready to come out, the body’s muscles squeeze really tight and push the baby out.”

“Like a water balloon,” I added again. “If you fill the balloon with water but don’t tie the end of it, the water shoots back out again.”

“Like POOP?!” He giggled wild eyed and nearly manic.

“Well… uh… um… sort of like that, but the baby doesn’t come out in the same place that poop comes out.” He was still giggling and, I could tell, slightly mortified at the thought of a baby coming out covered in poop. I imagined he was thinking about the woman on TV who swallowed her engagement ring whole after her boyfriend hid it inside a milkshake. She had to retrieve the diamond ring days later, after it had made its way thought her digestive system. She had to clean her own poop off the ring before she could wear it.

“What do boys have?” I asked. And he eyed me suspiciously and said with some alarm, probably imagining a baby emerging from one, “A PENIS?!”

“Right,” I said. “BOYS have a penis. But girls don’t. What do girls have?”

“A vagina!” He said.

“Right!” I said. “The mother’s body pushes the baby out of the uterus and it comes down a little tunnel and out the vagina.”

“Babies are small but they are kind of big. So how do they FIT?” He wanted to know next. So I explained again how the tunnel stretches just enough to fit the baby through and then once the baby is out, the uterus and the vagina shrink back to normal. Like an empty water balloon.

(A special thank you to whomever invented water balloons, by the way.)

“Oh, okay.” He said, sounding bored now that he knew the baby didn’t come out the poop hole. “Good night, mom.” And just like that he rolled over and went to sleep. This morning, thankfully, his questions were all about polygons. Not babies.

But just in case, I think I’d better go to the library and look for some age appropriate books. Ones that hopefully will have some better explanations than I was able to come up with. And the liquor store. I think I’d better buy something to make myself a stiff drink. I may need it when his classmates’ parents start calling tonight demanding to know what I told my son and why he’s repeating it to their innocent seven year olds who all know the stork delivers the baby.

My son, Snags, has been watching a lot of Star Wars lately. He’s totally enthralled by it. So much so, that he’s been sucked in, and he’s changed his own identity. He calls himself Luke Skywalker now. And if I want to get his attention, I have to call him that too.

This is not the first time he’s changed his name. Over his short life he’s been Eddie, Bob the Builder, Diego, Willy Wonka, Fred Jones, The Beast, and Peter Pan, to name just a few.

The first time he changed his name publicly, Snags was three years old and we were out for a walk around our neighborhood. Snags ran up to an elderly couple in their driveway. “Hello! What’s your name?” they asked him. “Diego!” he lied.

Diego? Diego? My husband and I just looked at each other. Diego wasn’t his name. What were we supposed to do? But before we could do anything they pointed at our dog. “And what’s your dog’s name?” they asked him. “Kutchee!” he lied again.

My husband and I were shocked. We didn’t know what to do. And we didn’t know the elderly couple. On one hand we didn’t think lying was appropriate, on the other hand, they were strangers. So instead of telling them, “Oh, he’s just kidding! His name isn’t Diego. It’s Snags…” we simply gathered Snags up and wished the couple a nice evening. Once we were a few blocks away we asked Snags why he had told the couple his name was Diego. But he wouldn’t answer.

Not long after that he told the librarian that his name was Peter Pan. I’m pretty sure she knew he was lying, but she was kind. She helped him find the book he was looking for anyway.

After a while, getting dressed in the mornings became difficult. He needed a tool belt, or a field journal, a “W” brooch to wear on his collar, an entire outfit of the color green, or a white shirt with a blue collar and blue pants to look like Fred. White shirts aren’t a good choice for young boys who seem to think “shirt” is another word for “napkin”.

Each time my son would change his identity he’d insist that everyone address him by his new name. Even his teachers. We’d walk into preschool and the director would say hello and he’d ignore her. “That’s funny!” He’d whisper to me. “She doesn’t know my new name, does she?” he’d ask with a sly smile playing on his lips.

On his school papers he’d write his new name: Willy Wonka, he’d print. The letters would be large and shaky and ill-formed and often backwards. The alphabet of a child just learning how to write. Eventually his teachers would concede, and while I never knew if they actually called him by his new name, his cubby would be re-labeled. “Snags” would be replaced with a plastic label on which “Willy Wonka” was neatly punched out.

Sometimes my son would change his identity after only a day. Like he was changing his underwear. Other times it would be weeks, or even months before he’d turn into someone new. Eventually another television show or movie would catch his fancy and he’d trade the old identity in for another, and we’d start all over.

At various times he’d think about his future and map it all out. “When I get married,” he’d tell me, “I’m going to have 10 children. Their names will be: Peter Pan, Wendy, Michael, John, Captain Hook, Mr. Smee, Tinkerbell, and “Alltheotherpirates”. And I’d listen to that and count them out on my fingers. That’s only eight children,” I felt compelled to correct him. But then I’d think how, maybe it was okay because if you actually had 10 children, you might forget a few of their names.

I imagine Peter Pan, Wendy, Michael, and John would have it somewhat easy. Peter could claim Pan as a middle name and simply go by Peter. Wendy, Michael, and John are all nice, normal names. Probably many of their friends and classmates will share the same first name.

But the others, I feel for. I really do. Captain Hook? Even if the poor fellow uses Hook as his middle name, Captain as a first name sounds a little pretentious. Or pet-like. “And this is my new cat, Captain.” And how about Tinkerbell?. Let’s hope he gives that name to one of his girls. She’ll be teased enough with that name, but if ~~Snags’~~ Luke Skywalker’s wife should bear only one female child, and they name her Wendy, then one of the seven boys is going to be beaten up at the playground on a daily basis.

And Mr. Smee? That, to me, sounds like the lad is in some pretty big trouble. Like when your mother or father calls you by your full name. You just know you’re in for it. You’ve gotten caught at something you’ve done and now, when your parents add Mister to your name you’re officially in trouble.

The one I worry about the most is Alltheotherpirates. Even I want to tease the child and he or she isn’t even born yet.

Then again, ~~Snags’~~ Luke’s done this before, planned his future family out. Only he had other children with other names. When he thought he was Willy Wonka he decided his children would be named Charlie Bucket, Mike Teevee, Augustus Gloop, Veruca Salt, and Violet Beauregarde. This was brought up daily for months.

“But what if your wife doesn’t like those names?” I asked him.

“Oh, she will!” he insisted. “She won’t have a choice.”

And I don’t understand that. Because in this household, things are more or less split 50/50. I couldn’t and wouldn’t abide by a 1950’s traditional household where June Cleaver does all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and the man comes home after work and pours himself a drink and puts his feet up. In my house, my husband often gets home from work before me and he unloads the dishwasher and starts dinner. I admit I’d prefer that he have my Mojito all ready for me when I walk in the door, but he rarely does. And that’s okay. I understand he’s already got his hands full and he can’t take time out to make my drink because he’s busy with the Filet Mignon. He knows I’d be mad if he let it burn… So why ~~Snags~~ Luke Skywalker thinks he can dictate the number or names of the children he and his future wife will have, is beyond me. He’s not learning that attitude here.

All I can think is he’s planning to use The Force upon his wife. Perhaps then she’ll bend to his will. Maybe with The Force he can mold her mind to not only agree with having ten children, but also with giving them the crazy names of his favorite movie characters.

He demonstrated this to me just the other day. I was at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast when Luke told me to close my eyes and “keep them closed until I tell you to open them.” When I did open them, the kitchen light was on, where it had been off just a moment before. It was also swinging on its chain.

I was surprised. I thought perhaps there was some kind of electrical surge, but Luke admitted that HE had actually turned on the light and set it swinging by using The Force! When I feigned shock at his ability, he thought it uproariously funny and so he spent the next half hour flipping lights off and on and poking the hanging lamp with his plastic light saber, all the while insisting he was doing it with The Force.

When I told him to turn the lights and leave them out out so we could save some money on our electric bill, he obliged but moved the game along to transporting things, both needed and unneeded, to me. Again, he used The Force to do this. I had to close my eyes as he brought my book (needed), a jar of spaghetti sauce (unneeded), and a can of Diet Coke (morning caffeine fix, very much needed) to me where I was still sitting at the table.

Eventually I tired of the game and got what I thought was the greatest idea any mother ever had. I suggested he use The Force to clean up his toys. He looked at me. Then he said, “I can’t. The Force doesn’t work for that. I’ve turned that program off.” And he turned his back and walked away. As I watched him retreat I thought, “Oh yeah, we’ll see what your wife thinks about that, Mr. Luke Skywalker!”