As If The First Time Wasn’t Fun Enough…

I guess there are worse things, but I’m going to complain anyway.  Just.Because.I.Can.

I had my annual woman checkup last month you see.  And the gynecologist, she said, “We mail out letters now with the results of your pap smear.  If you haven’t received a letter from us in three weeks time, then give us a call.”

The three weeks?  It went by.  Without a letter from the doctor’s office. 

I was actually sitting at the computer thinking to myself, “Should I give them just one more day or should I call the doctor’s office now,” when the phone rang.  It was kind of like telepathy, only I messed the back end of it up, because while it was the doctor’s office calling, it wasn’t with news I wanted to hear.

“Hi.  Doctor Do-Over asked me to call.  Your pap smear results were unsatisfactory.  That means there were not enough cells for the lab to do a complete screening.  Doctor Do-Over would like you to come back in for another pap smear.” Can you believe my luck here?  Who wouldn’t jump at the chance?  I mean, the first one was just so much fun.  And now I get to do it again? Woo Hoo! Boo Hoo.

So now I have to schedule an appointment, take time off from work, drive an hour to the doctor’s office, strip from the waist down, lie down with my feet in stirrups, and let Doctor Do-Over scrape away at my cervix a second time.  I suppose I’ll have to do that, but I’m not all that confident she’ll do any better of a job this time than she did the last time.  And I sure as hell don’t plan to give her a third opportunity. I know they say the third time’s the charm, but come on.  

So I’m thinking, can’t I just do this myself?  How hard can it be? What do I need, really?  An old popsicle stick?  Too short you think?  We’ve got chopsticks around this place somewhere.  I could take a sample myself and mail it to the lab from here.  The great thing is, I’m NOT a doctor.  Without stirrups and a that shoehorn thing they pry you open with, I’m sure I’d scrape the hell out of my cervix, possibly remove the thing in its entirety, thereby ensuring the lab would have more than enough cells to get a satisfactory result this time around. I could save myself a lot of money on gas too!

At my last appointment, Doctor Do-Over was kind enough to inform me that since I recently turned 40, I’ve earned the pleasure of receiving annual mammograms.  She even filled out an order for me to go get one. What a birthday present! 

I bet your doctors aren’t this skilled or this much fun.  I bet they don’t give you gifts for your birthday, either.  So let me know if you want Doctor Do-Over’s number. If you’re planning a pick-up game of kick ball, I hear she’s the one you want on your team…