Dear Child of Mine,
You know those little squares of a papery material that I put in your lunch box everyday? Those would be NAPKINS. You are supposed to wipe your hands and face with them during and after eating your lunch. And then you can throw them away with the rest of your trash.
You don’t have to bring the napkins back home all sparkling clean and untouched at the end of the day.
You know the SHIRT UPON YOUR BACK? It is NOT A NAPKIN. It is a shirt. You are supposed to wear it, not wipe your hands and face on it. It is a shirt. It is not a cleaning rag. There IS a difference.
The same goes for your PANTS. They cover your lap and your legs up to your waist and as convenient as they may be for wiping jelly off your hands, they are also NOT A NAPKIN.
Napkins. We use them at dinner and at breakfast, too. So I am pretty certain you have seen them before. Many times. And yes, I understand that the dog will snatch your napkin off your lap at dinnertime and so I have to let you leave your napkin on the table while you eat here at home. But as far as I know, there aren’t any dogs roaming under the cafeteria tables at your elementary school. Are there? Please, by all means, correct me if I’m wrong.
I know your grandfather likes to talk to about money and stocks and stuff. Did he perhaps mention that he had bought you some stock in laundry detergent or stain remover? Is your disregard for napkins a ploy to increase my purchase of those items and thereby, the value of your investments? If so, you might want to reconsider. Because I think we could be working at cross purposes here. I mean, when you grow up and become wealthy off your stain removal stock, you’ll be spending at least an equal amount of money buying your own product line to clean your dress shirts if you don’t break this hand wiping on clothes habit now. And fancy suit pants? Honey, they have to be DRYCLEANED.
Perhaps you are concerned about the environment and you don’t want to waste paper by putting napkins in the landfills everyday? Well, let me suggest that the stain removal chemicals going into the water supply might be a bigger problem, and your excessive use of drawing paper isn’t saving any trees either.
So PLEASE USE A NAPKIN!